No Need for Evangelions!


	Disclaimer:  None of these characters belong to me.  They 
are a meld of Neon Genesis Evangelion and Tenchi Muyo TV, 
with concepts from the Tenchi OAV series.

Chapter 1: No need for a Pilot!

	"This is stupid," Tenchi thought out loud as he listened to a 
recorded message on the state of emergency.  "I shouldn't have 
come here."
	His grandfather Yosho had requested that he come to 
Toyko-3.  While Tenchi had lost a lot of respect for him over the 
years, he had to see if there was anything left of the good man he 
had known before Tenchi's mother had died.
	He pulled out the picture of the person he was supposed to 
meet and studied it again.  It was of a blonde woman in a JURAI 
uniform with a big smile on her face, pointing to her cheeks.  *This 
was the head of operations?  She looks crazy.*
	Suddenly, a sleek red sports car that had seen better days 
pulled up to the curb with such an abrupt stop that the driver 
banged her head on the dashboard.  "Ouch."
	Tenchi immediately recognized her as the woman in the 
photo and jumped into the car as soon as the door was opened.  
The reason for his haste was rapidly approaching with strides that 
only Golaith could have matched.
	"Hiya," the blonde said to him as she peeled out as if the 
entire host of hell was chasing them, "You must be Commander 
Ikari's grandson, Tenchi Ikari, right?"
	Tenchi nodded, wondering how she could drive without 
actually looking where she was going.  Not that he would call it 
driving per se, more like stomping on the accelerator and avoiding 
obstacles on instinct.  It made sense since the car looked like it had 
gone through a demolition derby or two.
	*Grandfather put her in charge?  The old guy must be more 
far gone than I thought.*
	"I'm Major Mihoshi Katsuragi, but you can call me Mihoshi 
kay?"
	"Sure," Tenchi said.  "Miss Mihoshi, can I ask you a 
question?"
	She nodded without taking her eyes off him or slowing 
down.  Tenchi couldn't tell how fast they were going because the 
speedometer wasn't working.  Neither was the radio, the air 
conditioner, or the brakes, he imagined. 
	"What exactly is that huge thing that's blowing up the city 
behind us?"
	Tenchi couldn't help noticing the giant walking monstrosity 
that was destroying buildings all over the place and had come close 
to incinerating them a few times as well. Tenchi thought it was 
funny, but he was sure that the monster looked like it was made of 
wood, like a children's toy designed by H.R. Geiger.  It was also 
strange to think that if not for Mihoshi's insane driving habits they 
might be dead already as she swerved to dodge blasts that made 
craters in the road.  She was either very lucky or a lot smarter than 
Tenchi was giving her credit for.
	"Oh, that's an Angel.  That's why JURAI exists, you see.  
We have to destroy those Angels or it'll be the extinction of all 
mankind."  She said it as if she was talking about a show she'd seen 
on TV last night.  Tenchi had to wonder if she understood what the 
word 'extinction' meant.  But swerving in the wrong lane while 
being pursued by a trigger-happy giant was not the time to discuss 
such matters.  Maybe she was from America and just didn't know 
she was driving on the wrong side of the road.  Being blonde, 
tanned, and blue-eyed, she did look like what Tenchi expected an 
American to be.
	"You don't seem to be doing such a good job," Tenchi 
commented as a missile whizzed by them, blowing up a 
defenseless mailbox.  There were all kinds of tanks and helicopters 
shooting the bejuses out the angel, but didn't seem to be doing any 
good.  Tenchi was suddenly reminded of old Godzilla movies.  
*Where was that big lizard,* he wondered, *when you need him 
anyway? Godzilla no baka.*  He wondered if Gamera would be 
listed in the phone book.
	"That's just the UN.  Conventional weapons can't hurt the 
Angels because they're protected by a LHW field."
	"LHW?  What's that?"
	"Light Hawk Wings."
	"Huh?  Why is it called that?"
	Mihoshi only shrugged as she swerved around a parked car.  
Tenchi didn't even bother to ask why they had cut through a 
parking lot doing around 90kph.
	"Then why are they wasting all those missiles and bullets, 
not to mention the helicopters and tanks the Angel is trashing, if it 
isn't going to do any good?" Tenchi asked, feeling that his normally 
large supply of patience nearly exhausted by this blonde stunt 
driver.  And he thought Nemira had been strange.
	Mihoshi only smiled and shrugged again in response.  
Tenchi was starting to wonder if she knew anything about what 
was really going on.

	"Looks like a LHW field," Sub-commander Kiyone 
commented, noticing how ineffective the UN's attack was.
	"Yes," Commander Ikari agreed, doing that thing with his 
glasses again, "Conventional weapons are no match for the 
Angels."
	"Ah, was it wise to send out Mihoshi to pick up your 
grandson?" Kiyone asked after a pause.
	"She'll do fine.  I have complete faith in her abilities."
	*And what abilities are those?*  Kiyone wondered.  It was 
only through dumb luck that she ever succeeded at anything.  It 
was a miracle that she passed college.  Kiyone should know, since 
she had had the misfortune to have been Mihoshi's roommate for 
four years.  She had a feeling that Mihoshi had only joined JURAI 
to continue making her life a living hell.  Kiyone would have quit 
if she could have, but she was too deeply involved in what was 
really going on.  She was at a level that the retirement plan 
included a bullet to the head and a free burial at sea.

	"Goody!  They're going to use an N2 mine!"  Mihoshi 
shouted with glee.
	"What's that?" Tenchi asked, instantly worried by her 
attitude.  Anything she liked just had to be bad.
	"N2 stands for non-nuclear, but it creates a really huge 
explosion!  We're so lucky to see them use one!"  She was 
practically dancing with joy.
	"Aren't we a little close to the blast center then?"  Tenchi 
asked.  The Angel was pretty near them.  Well, actually it was far 
enough away that Tenchi could barely make it out without 
Mihoshi's binoculars, but in his opinion that was close enough.  
He'd seen the thing blow up whole buildings from further away 
than they were.
	"You might be right.  That's not so good, huh?"
	Tenchi didn't even get the chance to formulate a reply as a 
huge explosion flipped their car over several times.  Tenchi was 
thankful that he'd skipped lunch or he'd be seeing it for a second 
time as he felt his stomach lurch.  It was even enough to make him 
black out for a bit.
	When he came to he found that his face was embedded 
between two soft and warm somethings.  It somehow reminded 
him of being a child, before his mother had died.  Tenchi slowly 
opened his eyes to find himself imbedded in Mihoshi's rather 
ample cleavage.  He was able to get up and stop the resulting 
nosebleed before Mihoshi had noticed anything.
	"Waah!  My car!  Only 33 more payments to go!  And my 
favorite dress is ruined!  Waah!"  Mihoshi whined as she stood up 
and surveyed the damage.  Tenchi was a little surprised.  *Here 
we're nearly been blown up and she's complaining about a few 
scratches on her car?*  Not that it was really noticeable with all the 
scratches that had been there before the mine went off.
	After a few tries, they managed to get the car right side up 
again and Mihoshi resumed her normal driving habits, even though 
there wasn't a angel following them this time.  Tenchi made a 
prayer for his own safety and a silent vow that he would make use 
of public transportation during his stay in Tokyo-3.  He let out a 
long repressed breath as they were loaded onto the car train.

	Tenchi was impressed by the sheer scale of the Geo-Front, 
and wasn't all that surprised when Mihoshi had gotten them lost.  
He knew that even with a map he'd have a hard time finding his 
way around, but still doubted he would pass the same place three 
times in ten minutes. 
	"What are you doing, Mihoshi?"  Dr. Washu scolded the 
directionally-challenged head of operations as she joined them in 
the elevator.  "Don't you know we're short on time and 
manpower?"
	"Ah, sorry."
	Tenchi found it strange to watch Mihoshi being 
reprimanded by what looked to be a twelve year old girl with a lot 
of red hair, wearing a pink bunny print bathing suit with a lab coat 
over it.
	*This is the head scientist?  JURAI must have one strange 
personnel department.*  He wondered what the rest of the staff was 
going to be like, then decided that he really didn't want to know.
	Washu turned to notice Tenchi in the elevator and 
proceeded to study him like he was an item she was considering 
purchasing.  "So, is this him?"
	"Yes, according to the Marduk report, he's the Third Child."
	Washu walked up to Tenchi, looked him straight in the eye 
and said, "I like you.  Do you want to be a genea pig for my 
experiments?"  And then proceeded to laugh in a deranged manner.  
Even Mihoshi looked slightly embarrassed by this display.
	Tenchi was beginning to realize that his life would have 
been a whole lot easier if he had told his grandfather to shove it.

	"Ahh!" Tenchi screamed as the lights came on again and he 
found himself face to face with a  . . . well, a face he realized after 
a moment of study.  A huge, purple, robot's face.  It reminded him 
of his friend's actual size Gundam garage kit.  Now that was 
something that had taken a long time to put together.  Washu 
explained that this was the synthetic lifeform Evangelion, Unit-01, 
but Tenchi wished that she had also explained her explanation.  
What was a 'synthetic life form' anyway?  Was it like something 
that you leave in the refrigerator so long that it starts moving on its 
own?  His old sensei's wife had done that once.
	"So this is my grandfather's work?" Tenchi asked her.
	"Correct," a voice that wasn't Washu's rang out.
	Tenchi looked up to the source of the sound to see his 
grandfather.  "It's been a while."
	Tenchi mumbled that that was the understatement of the 
century.

	"So you want for me to get in this thing and fight?" Tenchi 
asked incredulously after his grandfather had explained 'the plan.'
	"That is correct," Commander Ikari replied calmly, as 
always.
	"Wouldn't it be a better idea to choose someone whose a 
little more qualified?  Like someone who had a god-damn clue on 
how to pilot it!?"
	"All you have to do is sit in it," Washu told him, "We don't 
expect any more than that."  Well, actually she did, but decided it 
was better not to mention it at this time.
	Mihoshi nodded encouragingly with that vacant smile of 
hers that was anything but encouraging.
	Tenchi did some rough math in his head.  One city 
destroying angel + one giant robot to fight said angel + one boy 
who was supposed to be its pilot yet wasn't even old enough to get 
a driver's licensee = a rather silly and pointless was to die.
	"There is just no way I can do this!"

	"Kiyone, wake up Aeka."
	"Are you sure?  She's still badly hurt from . . ."
	Yosho cut Kiyone off by saying, "She's not dead yet."
	Kyone mumbled about that being the understatement of the 
century before cutting off the com link.

	Tenchi watched as they wheeled out a strange purple-haired 
young girl on a stretcher.  She was covered in bandages and her 
single uncovered red eye looked up at the ceiling vacantly.  They 
wanted her to pilot?  Tenchi couldn't believe it.  She looked barely 
able to move.
	Then the room was rocked by a sudden explosion, knocking 
Aeka from the stretcher and tearing away the supports for the 
beams above her.  Without a thought to his own safety, Tenchi 
raced over to her, planning to protect her with his own body, from 
a blow that would never fall.
	"Unit-01 has activated Light Hawk Wings!" a worker 
announced unnescarially after the shield had appeared over the two 
children like three petals of a white rose, only enormous in size.  
The heavy beams bounced off the shield as if they were made of 
rubber, narrowly missing crushing both Tenchi and Aeka.
	"But the android plug wasn't even inserted," Washu 
complained.  "That just can't happen!"
	Commander Ikari only smiled as he watched the three 
glowing marks on his grandson's forehead vanish.  It was all going 
according to plan.  Well, sort of.  He didn't actually plan on the 
beams falling, but it worked out for him anyway.
	Tenchi cradled Aeka in his arms as he shook his head to 
clear it.  What had just happened?  There was a bright light and 
then . . . something? . . . someone? . . . he couldn't remember.
	He cursed his grandfather under his breath as he looked 
down at the girl covered in thick bandages.  How could he expect 
her to pilot when she was clearly in pain?  Damn it, he knew that 
this was only some trick of his grandfather's to get him to do what 
he wanted, but he just couldn't take the chance of them putting this 
wounded girl in that thing.
	"All right," Tenchi said, standing up and deliberately 
looking away from his grandfather, "I'll pilot it."
	He missed a single red eye staring at him curiously.  *Is he 
doing this for me?* she wondered.

	"Tenchi, take this," Washu told him as he handed him 
something just before he could get into the entry plug.
	"What is it?"  Tenchi asked as he twirled it around in his 
hands.  It looked like a sword hilt, only it was made of wood.  It 
was smooth to the touch, like it had been worn down from 
centuries of contact.
	"It's the Master Key, sort of a religious artifact.  You'll need 
it to control Unit-01."
	"How does it work?"
	"Just hold it and think of what you want the Evangelion to 
do.  The master key will do the rest."
	"It's that simple?" Tenchi asked incredulously.
	She nodded and said, "Of course it is!  I designed it and I 
am the greatest scientific genius in the universe!"  And then she 
laughed in a way that made Tenchi practically jump into the entry 
plug.
	He actually got the huge robot to walk a little before the 
Angel began its assault.  That was when Tenchi realized the big 
difference between walking and fighting, or rather taking baby 
steps and getting the crap kicked out of you.  He blacked out from 
the pain as the angel tried to tear Unit-01 to pieces.

	When Tenchi regained consciousness, he was greeted by a 
cheery smile attached to a blonde which he wished wasn't so 
familiar.  He also wished he had something heavy to knock himself 
back unconscious.  At least then he could be at peace.  His arm and 
head still hurt from whatever had happened since his memory of 
the actual battle was fuzzy.  That thing, Angel they called it, had 
attacked him.  Had he won?  He took the fact that he was still alive 
as a yes.  But he wasn't completely sure.  After all, with Mihoshi as 
his first sight in waking up, he could be in hell.
	"Rise and shine, Tenchi-kun.  It's time to take you home."
	"Home?  Where will I be living?"
	"Didn't they tell you?  You'll be living with me!  Won't it be 
fun?"
	She smiled and giggled a bit.
	Tenchi's shout of protest could be heard from a mile away.

	"No!  This can't be true!"  Kiyone pleaded with 
Commander Ikari, who, as usual, was sitting with his hands 
steepled in from of him, hiding his slight smile.  *Is he on some 
kind of drug?* she had begun to wonder.  *He could at least wear a 
uniform to work, instead of those old priest robes.*
	"There was no mistake in your orders, Sub-commander 
Kiyone.  Effective immediately, you will be moving in with 
Mihoshi.  While she is useful to us, Mihoshi can be unreliable at 
times."
	Kiyone mumbled under her breath that that had to be the 
understatement of the century as she walked away, but Yosho 
ignored it as he had ignored Tenchi when he said the same thing.  
He did wonder why people kept saying that around him, however.

	Tenchi was pleased and surprised to find Mihoshi's 
apartment to be neat and well kept, without even a sign of dust or 
dirt anywhere.  He had guessed Mihoshi to be a slob, but looked 
like there was something she could do right.  This illusion was 
immediately dispelled when he caught a glimpse of her room 
through an open door.  It looked as if a storm had hit in, a storm 
that had a thing for microwave food, pink panties, and empty sake 
bottles.  It became clear that their other roommate, Sasami, took 
care of just about all the domestic chores around the apartment, 
whenever she wasn't needed as Washu's assistant.  Tenchi was 
thankful that the doctor herself lived elsewhere.
	Almost immediately after getting home, Mohoshi pulled 
out a bottle of sake and started to drink it like it was water.  *At 
least this could be taken as a partial explanation for the way she 
acts,* Tenchi thought, not knowing whether to feel relived or 
disturbed.
	"Ah, isn't it a little early for that kind of thing?"  he asked 
as politely as he could.  He knew that some people had sake with 
their dinner, but the sensei who he had been staying with for the 
past eight years was strictly against any sort of alcohol because it 
polluted the body and spirit.
	"Its okay, I'm off duty now.  Want some?"
	Tenchi politely declined.  This woman had been made his 
legal guardian?  Tenchi wouldn't trust her to look after a plant, 
much less another human being.  Could she cook? It seemed 
unlikely.  Still, it had to be better than the so called cousine of his 
sensei's wife.  Thankfully, Mrs. Saotome rarely tried to cook, since 
the entire family worked hard to prevent it from happening.
	Tenchi looked around the large apartment which was nearly 
as big as a house.  "So does anyone else live here besides Sasami 
and us?"
	"Well, the first child, Aeka Ayanami, normally lives here, 
but she's going to be in the hospital for another week at least."
	"That was the girl with the purple hair and red eyes right?"
	Mihoshi nodded.  Tenchi noted that she seemed a lot 
calmer now, sort of mellow.  Almost like a real person.  Maybe she 
should try drinking before driving.  After all, there was no way that 
her driving could get any worse.
	"She looked like she had been hurt pretty badly.  Do you 
know what happened to her?"
	Mihoshi nodded again and said, "Unit-00 went berserk 
during its activation test.  She was nearly killed, but Commander 
Ikari saved her."
	"My grandfather did that?"
	"Yep.  Burned his hands pretty badly too."
	Tenchi silently digested that little nugget of info.  It seemed 
that despite his cold attitude there was still something left of the 
grandfather that he remembered from his younger days.

[Sasami comes home and gets started on dinner.  Kyone comes, 
dreading being there, while Mihoshi is happy, going on about how 
it'll be like old times.  Kiyone hopes not.  Kyione moves in with 
them, sharing a room with Mihoshi.  Sasami shares a room with 
Aeka.  Mihoshi is a slob who drinks sake like its water and drives 
Kiyone up the wall.  Tenchi will go to school, they find out he's the 
pilot, but when the bully picks on him he's in for a nasty surprise 
since Tenchi has had martial arts training.  Aeka comes back from 
the hospital.  A really silly version of Jet-Alone.  Ryoko Soyu 
arrives from Germany in the company of Nobuki (Tenchi's dad) 
who proceeds to hit on Mihoshi.  Ryoko is the pervert this time 
when both she and Tenchi are in unit-02's entry plug.  The first (of 
many) fights between Aeka and Ryoko is just who gets to fight 
with Tenchi against the Alpa/Beta angel.  They'll even fight when 
he has the dream sequence about joining body and soul.]
"He's going to join with me!"
"No, with me!"

	It was morning in Tokyo-3 which meant at the Masaki 
apartment complex that the First and Second Child were fighting 
yet again.  It was convient for JURAI that the only their personnel 
people still lived there.  They were, other than the aforementioned 
children, the Third child Tenchi Ikari, Major Mihoshi, Dr. Washu '-
chan', her assistant Sasami, and Sub-commander Kiyone.  The 
other residents hadn't moved out because of the angel attacks.  
They just couldn't stand the constant arguments between Aeka 
Ayanami and Ryoko Langley or the resulting property damage.  
And when they started bickering in their EVAs, Angel attacks 
became mild by comparison.
	Tenchi would try to resolve things peacefully between the 
two, only to be largely ignored even though their arguments tended 
to be about him.  Mihoshi would try to break them up, Washu 
would work on her inventions, Kiyone would scream for quiet, and 
Sasami would make breakfast.  Somehow it would all be resolved 
and the children would go to school while the others either went 
back to work or to sleep.  Everything would be peaceful until 
lunchtime when first and third child would fight yet again.  The 
occasional angel attacks were actually a more tranquil aspect of 
everyone's lives.  Tenchi wondered if he could live inside Unit-01's 
entry plug since that was the only place he ever felt safe anymore.  
And if they sing 'Fly me to the Moon' one more time, he thought, I 
am going to scream.

	Sync tests had become a daily excerise for Tenchi. When he 
had asked why he got tested every day while the other children 
only got tested once every week, Washu had explained that it was 
because of his EVA going berserk and running without power.  He 
expected that it was something else, mainly the way she was 
always grinning at him and mumbling about trying to get the 'last 
sample.'
	"Washu-chan, did you have to design the plug suits to be 
skin tight?"
	"Ha-ha, no."
	Tenchi groaned, "I thought so."

[Washu constantly adding 'improvements' to the EVAs (some 
which actually do some good). Yosho trying to bring back his dead 
daughter Ajika, working for a secret organization known as Jurai.  
Aeka deploys her own LWH field. Mihoshi comes up with really 
ridiculous plans in defeating the angels that work.  The Angels are 
the all tree based (ala Jurai) and named after different kinds of 
trees.  They want to unite with Tsunami, who is hidden in Central 
Dogma.  Aeka is normally just like Rei, except when around either 
Tenchi or Ryoko, then she becomes more like the original Aeka.  
Noduki has become a real lecher and encourages his son to be with 
the other children while hitting on just about every female member 
of the staff.  Tenchi uses the master key that his grandfather gives 
him to control his EVA, while Aeka uses her headband, and Ryoko 
uses her gems.  Ryo-oki is unit-02, which can collapse itself for 
easy transport (still arrives with the entire second fleet though).  
That unit-02 and ryo-oki are the same is kept a secret for a while.]