A Red Letter Day ...
~or~
... Tenchi Went Down to Georgia
A Tenchi Muyo / Sailor Moon / other series crossover
By Chris Jones
Tenchi Masaki had to keep telling himself that he wasn't nervous. It wasn't like he had never worked in the U.S. before. It was just that the Pioneer dubbing sessions had been so much more... well... *controlled*.
Even Ryouko, on her seat near the rear of the electric shuttle bus, looked a little anxious. It was hard to tell if Ayeka was nervous or not because her haughty 'bored' expression was the same turn of face she used when unsure of herself. Washuu and Kiyone both looked downright irritated and Sasami and Mihoshi were...
"Hey, a Britney Spears song!" Sasami called out as Mihoshi tried to work the kareoke machine.
... fitting in.
Tenchi shrugged and stretched his neck out. He checked to make sure his sword was still in place on his belt and watched for the front gates of the studio.
The shuttle bus tore through downtown Atlanta at a pace that would make most men who hadn't also ridden *inside* the cabbit-girl currently mia-ing along to Sasami's rendition of 'One More Time' whiteknuckled with terror. The thing that really bothered Tenchi about the whole ordeal was that the bus driver was an overly polite weasel.
"Ah... And we've arrived, honored guests," the weasel called out in perfect, unaccented Japanese as the bus ground to a stop in front of a studio lot. "I'm afraid I'm needed in surgery so--"
"Uh, Thank you, Mister Weasel," Tenchi said, shaking the... mammal's... hand. "Uhm..."
"Tenchi!" A familiar voice called out.
Tenchi turned happily to see a tall, dark-haired young man striding towards him.
"Chiba-san!" Tenchi waved happily. "It's good to--MPH!"
The dark haired young man rushed over to Tenchi and clamped his hand over the shorter boy's mouth. He looked around in panic to see if anyone had heard.
"What's the big deal?" Tenchi asked.
"Ah, sorry about that. It's 'Darien Shields' here instead of 'Momaru Chiba'. Most of the fans know, of course, but it's studio policy."
"Uhh..."
"It's no big deal. We're still stuck with the DIC licensing issues and... well.. I'd rather not go into all of it right now. I'm just glad to welcome you to Atlanta. How is everybody holding up?"
"Good, so far," Tenchi gestured to the rest of the group, just climbing out of the bus. "It's certainly a nerveracking experience. I *never* imagined we'd be picked up by an American network. It's going to take some adjustment. Also..."
"Yes?" Darien prompted.
"Well, I've heard some bad rumors. I mean, *everyone* knows what happened when you and the girls first came over."
Darien nodded and chuckled. "It's not so bad. True, we've endured some rough times, but things are looking up. I write it all off as 'early adoption' problems. We also made the mistake of starting out trying to fill a *tiny* niche syndication market. Since we've been here, well, things have been better. *Much* better. The fans have helped immensely."
"The fans," Tenchi agreed.
"They're a different breed here, but they're intensely loyal," Darien explained. "We'll have to take in a sci-fi convention incognito. It's quite an experience. Oh no..."
"What?" Tenchi asked.
"Well, hello, alien mammas!" A large, very muscular, very blond man was accosting Ayeka.
"I'll thank you very much to keep your hands to yourself!" the princess protested.
"It's Johnny," Darien explained. "One of the locals. He's basically a good sort, but... well..."
"Ah-hah! Watch me work!" The man snapped out, striking a bodybuilding pose. Tenchi couldn't help but be impressed by the massive square jaw, the incredible bulk of muscles, or the way the man's every move cracked through the air like a whip. "Maybe you outer space chicks need a little more *bang* to get you all warmed up," Johnny drawled.
"Thank you, but no," Washuu said, pushing past the muscle- brain with her luggage on a rolling cart.
A few others had come out to see the new arrivals as well. Hanna-Barbera characters were popping out of the wood work and helping to unload the shuttle bus, while Sailors Uranus and Neptune in their civilian guises had come out to meet Darien and Tenchi.
"Whoa-ho! Pretty green-haired mamma!" Johnny snapped.
"No, I'm afraid you can't have a date, Mister Bravo," Neptune greeted. "Nor am I interested in 'doing the monkey' with you."
"What? You're still not pining for this jerk, are you?" Johnny demanded. "Driving a race car doesn't make you cool. I could drive a race car. This guy's just using you, hot mamma! Why don't you spend some time with-- ah-hah!" Johnny whirled through several agonizing looking poses. "--A real man!"
Sailor Uranus just smirked and winked at Tenchi as Johnny continued to obsess over Neptune.
"He doesn't know?" Tenchi asked.
"We've only been here for the last few weeks," Uranus said. "But it doesn't look he's going to figure it out any time soon."
"It's kinder that way, really," Darien noted. "Ah, Professor," he greeted, seeing Souichi Tomoe walking up to the group next to another man with a long white lab coat and a strong square jaw.
"Darien, Mister Masaki, Professor," Professor Tomoe greeted the group and Washuu, who was standing next to Tenchi.
"Professor," Washuu returned. "And..."
"Professor Utonium," the other man introduced himself. "Professor,"
"Professor," Washuu replied.
Tenchi's head began to swim.
"Professor!" three young girls in color-coded matching suits shouted as they flew out from one of the sound stages.
"Ah, girls!" Professor Utonium greeted the large-eyed and smiling trio.
Tenchi boggled at the sheer level of Kawaii. Had the Americans truly mastered the art?
"I'm Blossom!" the cute one said.
"I'm Bubbles!" the silly one said.
"And I'm Buttercup!" the pouty one said.
"Girls, why don't you help our new guests with their luggage?"
"Okay, Professor!" the girls shouted, flying off in a colored flash.
"Professor!" Washuu accused.
"Well, haha! We all have our moments, Professor Washuu," Utonium admitted. "I just couldn't admit to myself that that vat of CHEMICAL X could possibly do any harm. It's only my good fortune that it was mixed with sugar and spice..."
"And everything nice," Tomoe added. "CHEMICAL X is a truly dangerous substance when used improperly."
"Ooh! What's that?" Bubbles asked Sasami, demurely pointing to Ryo-ohki, who had resumed cabbit form and was perched on the blue-haired girl's head.
"It's Ryo-ohki!" Sasami explained, smiling beatifically at the three smaller girls, her large pink eyes beaming with happiness and light. "She's a spaceship."
"Ohhh..." the three Poweruffs cooed in unison.
"Can I hold her?" Blossom asked.
"Miya!" Ryo-ohki agreed happily.
Uranus began to quietly gag.
"Oh, how cute!" Mihoshi noted, sticking her own blonde mop down into the mix. "You look so kawaii together!"
"Teehee!" Bubbles giggled, reaching out to pet the cabbit.
If Kiyone's blaster had a barrel, she would have been spinning it by now.
"Aren't they cute, Tenchiiiii?" Mihoshi and Sasami asked in unison as twelve overly large and gleaming eyes stared pleadingly at him.
Utonium, well used to living in such a situation, pulled out a syringe of insulin and mercifully injected Tenchi.
He was just in time because Dot Warner and Babs Bunny showed up to see what had caused their 'cuteness' sense to go off so strongly.
"The kawaii factor is increasing exponentially," Washuu noted, holding up a portable meter to the display. "If we don't stop it now, it'll go critical!"
"Did somebody say 'cute'?" Johnny asked, sticking his nose into the fray. "I'm cute. WHOA-MAMMA! Blonde alien hottie at six o'clock!"
"Oh my!" Mihoshi giggled.
"Bear my children," Johnny pleaded. "We'd be so pretty together."
Mihoshi began to fidget. "I don't know..."
"That'd do it," Darien noted. The kawaii moment lost, the Powerpuffs started to aid Sasami in carrying her luggage away.
"Oh by the way, Professor," Tomoe said as he produced a clipboard and and a ball-point pen. "Here's your renewal application for your U.S. Mad Scientists Guild membership."
"Hey, thanks!" Washuu said, quickly filling out the form. "Full Name... Gender... Age... Uhoh."
"Current age," Utonium suggested.
"'Evil' or 'Not Evil'," Washuu continued. She began to chew the end of the pen in thought.
As she was filling out the application, Professors Utonium and Tomoe led Washuu away to introduce her to a small red-haired boy in a white lab coat.
"Well, it looks like we'll be okay," Tenchi said nervously. "We're all fitting in, I guess."
"It'll be okay," Uranus assured him as they started to walk along with their luggage. "It's a lot scarier than it looks. Speaking of scary..."
A studio functionary in a dirty t-shirt and old tennis shoes shambled up. "Uhh, Ryouko. Can we talk for a minute? The guys upstairs have a *leetle* problem with a few scenes in your show."
Ryouko started in apprehension, but nodded and listened to the man as he began to whisper in her ear.
"But I like nudity!" Ryouko protested after hearing the man's piece. "You can't cut those scenes! They're integral to the story. Besides, Ayeka was naked, too!"
"Only because you stole my towel, you demonic old hag!" Ayeka accused.
"Urr... ladies..." The functionary backed away in quiet fear as the air began to crackle around them.
Nearby, Darien was walking past a newspaper machine that happened to be displaying a paper with Pikachu on the cover as an ad for the next U.S. released Pokemon movie. Almost subconsciously, Darien mimed throwing a Pokeball as he strode past.
His attention torn between the two sights, Tenchi asked Darien about his action.
"Oh, it's a little superstition we've picked up. Pokemon has opened a few doors for us. We're rolling for luck, I guess."
Tenchi sighed. The American market was confusing. The fans here seemed just as rabid as the otaku back in Japan, especially in the direct-to-video market he was used to. Ranma and Lina both had legions and legions of hardcore fans. The wider market was a little more hostile, it seemed.
"C'mon, Lady," The functionary begged. "We're cramming this down John Q. Public's throat faster than he'll swallow already. We just can't show nudity during peak viewing hours! Do you have any idea the kind of stink that would raise?"
"He's right, Ryouko," Tenchi said.
Ryouko's bright blue glow shut off and she stared at the young man in confusion. "But,"
"It's a continuing process," Tenchi realized out loud. "The culture's not the same, no matter how much we wish it would be."
"There are inroads," Uranus said. "And we've made leaps and bounds, but..."
"We're still fighting," Tenchi finished. "The people in this country who want to see our shows are still fighting for acceptance, too."
Darien smiled enigmatically and did his best not to pull out a rose and start waxing philosophically.
"But you still can't cut the scenes," Tenchi informed the functionary. "They're important to the story."
"Well, we could do what we've done for the Gundam fans," the studio functionary suggested. "We run episodes during the day that are edited for violence and language, but then we show them uncut again after midnight."
Tenchi nodded. "Your sponsors would allow brief frontal nudity in that timeslot?"
"I wish," the functionary spat. "Believe me, I wish."
"What you might consider is a 'pan and crop' technique," Neptune suggested. "The frame is still shown, but zoomed on a area that excludes nudity. That way, you don't lose any of the dialogue."
Tenchi rubbed his chin in thought, and glanced once at Darien.
"You have to pick your battles," Darien suggested. "You also have to cater to the fans."
Tenchi nodded, his mind made up. "Pan and crop after midnight it is, then. It's a leap," he admitted. "But a good one."
"Also, our fans don't have the ability to buy legitimately published uncut videos in the U.S," Darien stated. "You've got a leg up on us there."
"That's true," Tenchi accepted. He smiled.
A little ways away, a young blonde girl with pigtails bumped into Washuu as she was trying to demonstrate the inner workings of one of her devices to the red-haired boy. Mihoshi clapped in wonder at the multicolored explosion that crisped both old and young scientist alike.
Yes, it was going to take some getting used to. It was also going to take some sacrifices. And, little by little, day after day, series after series, the world would be a little cozier place.
With brief frontal nudity during primetime and afternoon cartoon slots.
Author's Notes:
This was written on the first air-day for Sailor Moon S, on Cartoon Network. I didn't know Haruka or Michiru's dub-names, yet, so I stuck with 'Uranus' and 'Neptune'.
Since, we've learned all about 'Amara' (???Not 'Erica'???) and 'Michelle'. They're cousins, you know...
Yes, in a move that has made some curse and some howl with gales of laughter, Uranus and Neptune aren't just lovers on Cartoon Network, they're 'Kissing Cousins'. Go fig. (I'm glad I've got a complete set of fansubs now...)
Tenchi, on the other hand, is getting *very* little cutting. Mostly, they're cutting the scenes of pointless violence and gratuitous nudity. In a lot of cases, rather than 'Pan and Crop', Tenchi is subject to 'Fig Leafing'. Yup, they're painting bikinis on the naked people.
What's the world coming to?