AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
A Multi-crossover spamfic
By Aaron Bergman
[email protected]
Warning and Disclaimer rolled into one: I do not own these characters, though I'm certain somebody does. I am not responsible for any keyboards ruined by the spontaneous ejection of liquid through the nostrils, but tell me if it happens anyway.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
(Ataru Moroboshi is seated in the school computer lab, frantically clickclickclicking on a simple mouse.)
Ataru: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Stop bidding on this, you stupid jerks!
(Zoom in on the computer screen, which shows a bid screen from eBay. On it is pictured a little black book, and below it is a simple description which reads "Little Big Black Book of Women's Phone Numbers." Zoom out again to show Lum seated at her spaceship's computer, frantically clickclickclicking on a fancy tigerstriped mouse.)
Lum: Baka, baka, baka! How dare you think that you can sneak around behind my back on the Internet? The perverts of my culture have been using it to go porning for generations!
(Zoom in on the screen once more, and zoom out again to show Ryo Saeba seated in his living room on a new-looking computer, furtively glancing over his shoulder as he frantically clickclickclicks on a mouse resting on a mousepad covered in half-naked girls.)
Ryo: No, no, no! I must have that book. My nookie for the weekend depends upon it!
(Zoom in and out again, this time more quickly, revealing Kaori at a university computer lab console, frantically clickclickclicking on a genero-type mouse.)
Kaori: Ha, ha, ha! What kind of an idiot do you take me for?! 'We'll just use the 'Net to research cases' my ass! Fortunately, he doesn't seem to know about access monitoring programs...
(Zoom in and out again, this time showing Happosai seated at yet another computer, this one a fancy laptop. He's watching the screen intently and chuckling.)
Happosai: What a haul, what a haul, what a haul. How little those fools realize I collected those numbers back in 1960...
(Zoom in on the screen to show that the current bid stands at 104,382 yen.)
Narrator: eBay. The fastest way to get rid of unwanted junk, because there's a sucker born every microsecond.
(The commercial opens on a simple room, with a table behind which Sana-chan sits. Resting in front of Sana-chan is an empty bowl and a mysterious, cloth-covered object. Sana-chan looks at the camera and smiles.)
Sana-chan: I can remember a horrible horrible nasty nasty time when I wandered from breakfast cereal to breakfast cereal, questing for one to satisfy my daily sugar requirements. I tried everything: Frosted Flakes with pocky broken up and sprinkled in, Lucky Charms in melted triple ripple chocolate fudge ice cream, Cap'n Crunch with Jolt Cola poured in, anything to get my fix. I even (begins to cry) I even sunk to eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch! (perks up) That's when I discovered this! (Whips the cloth off the mysterious object, which is revealed to be...) Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! With a half-cup of sugar poured into one bowl, I was jittering for seventeen hours! (She holds up the box in a display hold, a la Vana White) Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! Part of a toxic-for-you breakfast! Horrify your parents! Unless you have a mother like mine, of course, in which case...
(Camera fades to black as Sana-chan keeps on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and...)
(Xelloss (from Slayers) and Zorak (from Space Ghost) are seated at a bar. More than a few empty shotglasses and beer bottles in front of them testify to the fact that they've been there a while.)
Zorak: Why does Space Jerk get all the attention? Why can't I have a show of my own? What does he got that I ain't?
Xelloss: Well, aside from the obvious fact that you're a villian and he's a hero, I think that you need a costar to make fun of in order to really succeed in the late-night talkshow field.
Zorak (nodding): Yes, of course, of course. (He tips up a Red Tick Beer, then starts choking suddenly, spraying beer all over the bar.) I just got a great idea.
Xelloss: Can't wait to hear it, evil chum.
Zorak: We could do a show together! We're both cool, we're both evil, we'd draw the crowds like you wouldn't believe!
Xelloss: That is a great idea! We could call it the Zorak and Xelloss Happy Happy Disembowelment and Family Fun Hour!
(Scene fades to black, and Xelloss begins a voiceover.)
Xelloss: If it had just stayed in that bar, like so many ideas poured out of a bottle, that would've been fine. But, as it happened, the idea was picked up by a sponsor, and...
(He's cut off suddenly.)
Friend Computer: Watch my new show, citizens! Only Commie mutant traitors would dare to tune into anything else on 7:30 Fridays.
(Two women face each other on the field of battle, wind rippling the tall grass as it moves their hair across their faces in an entirely too dramatic fashion. With weapons ready, they wait patiently for the other to make the first move. Then, as the wind stops in anticipation of their words-)
Cutie Honey: I'm Cutie Honey, the Warrior of Love!
Sailor Venus: I'm the Warrior of Love, Sailor Venus!
(They stare at each other for just a moment, the silence broken only by the chirp of a swallow. In unison, the two stomp their feet and blurt out)
Cutie Honey & Sailor Venus: No, I'm the Warrior of Love!
(Fade to black on the sounds of a major brawl. A 1-800 number flashes on the screen.)
Narrator: Don't let this happen to you! Copyright your catch phrases, mystic spell chants, and incredibly cool taunts before it's too late! At Shaister and Theifer, we can help.
(Miki and Yuu are walking out of their school's gate side by side, holding hands in a sickeningly cute pda. Miki spots several quite obviously foreign people setting up a camera, so she points at it.)
Miki: Let's go see what they're doing!
Yuu (shrugging): If you insist.
(Miki elbows him playfully in the gut, and Yuu doubles over.)
Miki: I do. Let's go!
(She takes off running, with Yuu straggling behind because it's hard to run when you're already having trouble breathing. When he does catch up, Miki is trying to speak to one of the foreigners.)
Foreigner (in English): You really are almost cute enough to be in the commercial. Would you like to try?
Miki (in English): Imu sori, butsu mai eigo suukutsu assu.
Yuu: You do realize what you just said, don't you?
Miki: That's the way that Micheal told me to say that I don't speak good English.
Yuu: He was wrong. (turns to the man and says in English) I'm certain my _girlfriend_ would jump at your offer, but I'll only translate it for her if I'm right beside her.
(Yuu glares at the man, who only shrugs and smiles.)
Man (in English): No problem, man! Just stand over here (he guides the both of them to a position against the wall) and look really sad.
(Yuu whispers to Miki what they're doing, and she does, in fact, leap for joy. Then, they both settle down as the director glares at them and start looking sad. A heavy-set woman steps into the camera angle with them and raises a microphone to her lips.)
Sally Struthers: I'm Sally Struthers, here on behalf of the Weird Al Children Starving in Japan fund...