Batty-Man

Michitoku Hoshi


PART 1


The phone rang at the Preventers Headquarters. Duo was the first to answer.

�Preventers! We put out the fires when people try to shake-and-bake. Can I help you?�

The caller hesitated for a moment, and Duo could almost see the puzzled look on their face. Duo, on the other hand, was grinning into the receiver. He picked up a dart and aimed it at the dartboard, which conveniently had Wufei�s picture taped to it. The shot hit the wall a good 3 inches from the edge of the dartboard.

�Umm..� A male voice came, �I need to hire one of your personnel for a night.�

Duo�s eyebrow quirked. �Oi, hate to break it this way, but we don�t do /that/ kinda--�

�Oh, no, no! I meant, I need an assistant, or replacement, if you will.�

Duo laughed. �I was just kidding. What sort of work?�

�Oh, a sort of security guard job.�

Duo flipped open the Preventer Planner, looking over the schedule of each member in the roster. �When do you need it?�

�Tomorrow night.�

�I have three personnel available.�

�Could you send a male?�

�Uh, sure..� That knocked Noin off the possibility list.

�Preferably physically fit, hand-to-hand combat skills are rather useful.�

�Okay..� Duo�s eyes came to a rest on Wufei and Heero�s names.

�And with attitude, you know, a liking for justice.�

�I�ve got just the right man for you!� Duo said with a grin, scribbling the scheduled time next to Wufei�s name. The caller, who identified himself as a Mr. Wayne, gave an address for Wufei to report to. //Strange guy..// Duo thought, replacing the phone on its cradle. //Sounded nice enough, though. I�ll tell Wufei to be on guard.//

Duo picked up the last dart and chucked it towards the dartboard. It struck Wufei�s picture square in the nose, a bullseye, just as the door to the office opened and Wufei stepped in. Eyeing the picture with some distaste, Wufei dropped a few papers on Duo�s desk.

�Here�s my report for my last assignment, Maxwell. And don�t dump any Kool-aid on this one. Got it?�

Duo nodded, shuffling papers. �Right-o, Wu-chan. You gotta new assignment, anyways.�

Wufei rolled his eyes, the only gesture he could make in response to Duo�s pet name for him. He�d told Duo thousands of times not to call him that, but the braided idiot didn�t know the meaning of �Don�t call me that!�

Wufei read the assignment over. �Terrace lane? There�s only one house on that road, and it�s enormous.�

�Well, it�s where you�re headin�, Wu-chan. Have fun! I�m off for the rest of the afternoon. JA!�

Duo cheerfully skipped out the door. Wufei mock-scowled at his retreating back before taking his place at the desk. Over the months since the war ended, Duo became a much more tolerable person.

Sort of.


PART 2


The next night, Wufei found himself in front of a huge mansion, eerily shilouhetted against the black sky. He was buzzed in to get through the perimeter gates, and found himself at the door. An elderly man answered it, allowing him in.

�Good evening, sir. Master Bruce is waiting for you.�

Wufei felt a tinge of trepidation as he handed the man his jacket. �Who are you?�

�Master Bruce�s butler, but you may call me Alfred.�

Wufei nodded, and the pleasant old man shuffled away with his jacket.

A presence at the stairs caught his attention.

�Ah, you�ve arrived! You must be Wufei.. Welcome to my home. I�m Bruce Wayne.� The man shook Wufei�s hand.

�Aa. I am to understand my assignment for you is a bodyguard job?�

�Well�. Similar to that. Please, come with me.�

Wufei followed Bruce to an inconspicuous grandfather clock.

�Now, Wufei,� the man said, playing with the hands of the clock, �You must promise never to speak of what you see here.�

Before Wufei could blink and stutter a �Nani?�, the grandfather clock opened and revealed a dark passage. Distantly, he heard the high pitched screech of some bird or other animal.

�Bats..� Wufei whispered as he descended into the cave.

�They�re great survivors,� Bruce answered idly. A flip of a switch, and the entire place lit up. Wufei�s eyes lit up, too.

There was a sleek black car on one platform, a huge computer system on another, a bat-shaped jet, motorcycles, jet skis, a boat, and other vehicles. Wufei�s eyes nearly fell out of his head.

Bruce walked to their right, opening a containment system. �I thought you�d be a bit bigger, but it�s no problem. I got your measurements.�

Wufei inconspicuously blushed.

�And here is part of what I need you to do..� Bruce said, pulling out a black uniform. Wufei squinted at it. Uniform..? Iie.. Costume was more like it.

�I am Batman.� Bruce stated.


PART 3


�You WHAT?� Wufei said at last. He started to back up slowly.

�No, no, don�t go! I�m Batman! I wear this costume and fight evil to gain justice!�

Wufei perked at the word.

�I�m going out of town tonight and I need a replacement to monitor a certain bank. There were rumours of a robbery going to happen.�

Wufei nodded, but he wasn�t convinced.

�Please, look at this,� Bruce wheedled. He held the snazzy costume out to Wufei, complete with cape and cowl.

�And I will deliver justice?� Wufei asked, sounding more like a kid in a candy shop with a $100 bill rather than a Preventer.

�Absolutely! I do it all the time.�

�Fine,� Wufei said, giving a curt nod. �I�ll do it. For the sake of Justice!�

Bruce gave Wufei a brief but thorough rundown of the equipment and what he�d have to do. Wufei took it all pretty well, treating it as if it were any other assignment he�d been given.

The time came for Bruce Wayne to be off on his personal business trip, and he and Alfred left the mansion, leaving Wufei there by himself in a cave of bats and huge high-tech toys.

Wufei figured he may as well get suited up. He picked up the costume, fingering the material. //What is this?// He wondered. //It feels an awful lot like.. SPANDEX!//

Sure enough, the costume had a spandex bodice with a hard, plastic body shield. Blushing from head to toe, Wufei stripped to his skivvies and stepped into the spandex bodice. It clung to his every curve and came right up to his neck.

Glancing around to make sure he was alone, Wufei stepped in front of a full-length mirror, looking at his reflection. A second glance ensured he was alone, and Wufei flexed his muscles at the mirror, making funny little growling noises.

A beeping from the computer systems suddenly started, the suddenness of it causing Wufei to yelp and duck for cover.

�It is just the monitoring system,� He chided himself, walking over to the system. As Bruce had predicted, the vidscreen showed a few thugs in goofy costumes surrounding a bank. The lights on the other side of the cave lit up, and the huge black automobile turned on a platform towards the exit.

Wufei�s eyebrow quirked. //Time to.. deliver Justice..//


PART 4


The rest of the armor was easy to put on. Much to Wufei�s inner delight, the breastplate was defined to look like muscles. He wanted to go mug for the mirror again, but his mission called. Wufei made his way to the car, finding a small stone sign next to it.

�Batmobile.�

Wufei circled the Batmobile twice, trying to figure out where they key went to unlock the door.

�Kisama.. How do you open this?!�

At the word �open�, the top windows of the Batmobile slid backwards, revealing the driver seat and controls. At the sight of all the buttons and switches, (and not to mention, the fact that the speedometer went beyond 500 miles-per-hour) Wufei�s lip quirked with anticipation.

He slid into the leather seat and found it to be incredibly comfortable. Adjusting his mirrors, Wufei remembered he hadn�t put on the cowl yet. It fit nicely over his face, complete with little pointy ears. He looked at himself again in the mirrors and snorted.

�This looks ridiculous.�

Wufei was starting to have his doubts until he pressed the ignition on the Batmobile�s dashboard. It purred to life, the powerful engine sending a deep vibration up his spine. The temporary Dark Knight�s lips curled into a wicked grin.

The poor schmucks walking around town had no warning when the black vehicle tore by, flames whipping from the car�s rear end. Most just stood there, looking shocked, as bits of their clothes and hair smouldered. The scariest part was, as some would agree, the howling laughter coming from within the car.

Wufei arrived quickly (almost too quickly) to the scene of the crime.

�Open!� He barked, looking expectantly at the ceiling.

Nothing happened.

�Open! I said OPEN!�

Still nothing.

Wufei hit the dashboard with his fist. �KISAMA! I WANT YOU TO OPEN!�

The car�s engine made a sound like it was snorting at him, and the roof door slid open. Wufei hopped out, pulling his utility belt and consequentially the lower half of the spandex bodice up a little. Bruce had taken Wufei�s measurements, but the suit was still a /tad/ large�

Not one for stealthy entries, Wufei barged into the dark bank, senses alert for any signs of the robbers. He looked around warily, making deliberate and overdone steps as he crept inside. Nearing the vault, Wufei heard gruff voices speaking quietly to each other.

�Awright, we�s gotta get dis money back to th� boss.�

�We gotta get it all, too.�

�Th� boss is gonna be awful proud of what we�s got here..�

Wufei found some little bat-shaped boomerang on his utility belt. He�d heard three voices, and three was a number he could work with. Jumping onto the counter, he bellowed in his best I-am-a-hero voice, �HAULT, in the name of JUSTICE!�


PART 5


�Who th� hell are you?� A voice came back. Three huge thugs came into view.

Wufei put his gloved hands on his hips. //What did Wayne say? Bat.. guy? Batty guy? Batty man..? Did he even say it?//

�I am.. BATMAN!�

The three thugs stared at him, dumbfounded. One scratched his head.

�I always thought Batman was.. uh.. bigger.�

�Heh.. This ain�t Batman, this is Batboy!�

The three laughed. A tension knot appeared on Wufei�s head, though no one could see it.

�KISAMA!� He yelled, pulling out even more tools from the utility belt. �I will deliver JUSTICE!�

�Yeah, right, kid!�

None of the thugs expected Wufei to lunge, but lunge he did. He knocked the first one over, which successfully knocked the other two over. A short fight scene, punctuated with Wufei�s speed and flexibility allowing him to dart between and around the oversized robbers was finished by delivering each a well placed kick to the gut.

As the robbers sat unconscious, Wufei tied them together with some nylon cording he found on the utility belt. Leaving the rest of the evidence as it is, Wufei placed a note on the desk.

�I have delivered Justice again,� he said aloud as he wrote it. �Signed.. Batman!�

Bruce hadn�t mentioned leaving notes, but Wufei figured it would be a good idea anyways. Giving the three dazed thugs a final sneer, Wufei turned towards the doors. His stride was bold and victorious, cape billowing behind him.

Until he tripped on it and fell flat on his face, right in the beam of the red motion-detection light. The alarms started ringing.

Panic set in and Wufei ran back to the Batmobile, tearing away from the scene with a burst of flames. He�d be glad to get this mission over with.


PART 6


The mansion welcomed him back with its dark walls and concealing draperies, but the Batmobile knew where the secret cave entrance was.

Once he was back in the cave with the bats, Wufei looked on the vidscreen at the computer system, finding that the police had arrested the thugs and were putting them into the patrol cars.

He stripped out of the bat suit, posed in the mirror once more, and found a bathroom in which to bathe. One thing was for certain � wearing that damned suit made him sweat. //How does Yuy handle that spandex? I see now that I dislike it..//

Once he was clean, dry, and redressed, Wufei figured he may as well get some sleep until Bruce Wayne returned. A huge couch in a living room proved to be comfortable enough, and Wufei was fast asleep.

Wufei had his usual round of dreams that night � fighting bad guys to deliver justice, polishing his long-gone Gundam, and Duo stripped naked and doing a lap dance.

And same with every night, Wufei awoke at the break of dawn, fighting off a nosebleed. In the kitchen, he found a note Wayne had left him.

�Help yourself to breakfast.� He read aloud, and did indeed find various ingredients. Breakfast was simple, ramen and hot tea. Wufei knew he could only pass the time until Wayne returned. A room full of exercise equipment kept the former Gundam pilot happy until early noon when the door opened and Wayne had returned.

Wufei met him in the hallway. //Wayne is smiling, so I may have done a good job.//

Indeed, the man was smiling. He handed Wufei a newspaper. �Good job, Wufei,� he said, and read the headline aloud. ��Dark Knight Prevents Bank Robbery, Three Arrested�. Thank you very much.�

Wufei stood straight up, looking every bit of regal in his Preventer uniform. �It was my duty. If there are any more services you need, the Preventers are always available.�

Bruce nodded and thanked him. Now came the fun part � payment. Wufei couldn�t believe how many digits the check had, but he remained calm as he thanked the obviously rich man.

�Oh, and Wufei..� Bruce said, causing Wufei to turn in the doorway.

�Aa?�

�You didn�t scratch the paint on it, I hope?�

�Eh..?� He replied, then remembered the Batmobile. �Absolutely not.�

�Thanks!�


PART 7


Duo let out a low whistle when Wufei handed him the check. �That�s impressive.. Can�t believe a guy would pay that much for one night�s work. So, what did you do for him?�

Wufei stiffened. �Nothing.�

Duo�s eyebrow quirked. �Nothing?�

Wufei gave him a curt nod. �Nothing.�

�Right.�

�He asked for my discretion, and I will provide it.�

�S�ok, Wu-chan. He called just a few minutes ago and said he was satisfied with your work. Musta been something pretty important, ne?� His raised eyebrow told Wufei that the braided boy was prodding for information.

�Of course.� Wufei answered with a smirk. Turning on his heels, he left the office.

�Damn,� Duo muttered, filing the check its proper folder. He picked up a dart and tossed it at Wufei�s picture on the dartboard. It landed nearly a foot away.

�Oh, and Maxwell..� Wufei said, appearing again in the doorway. �If Wayne ever calls again, schedule me for the task.�

�Right, Wu-chan.. Whatever you say.� Duo shook his head as Wufei left again, and picked up the morning paper.

�..Three arrested..� he read aloud, looking at the article. �One of the alleged robbers said that they were thwarted by Batman, a teenage boy in a black bat suit. He has been described as five feet, 2 inches tall, with a small build and dark eyes��

Duo dropped his mug of coffee, jumping from the desk with the paper. He ran into the hallway, calling the entire time, �Wufei!! WUFEI!�

But Wufei, of course, would keep the secret.

THE END