--//--
A Geobreeders + Gundam Wing Crossover
--//--
By Phi

Author's note: Not that many Geobreeders fics out there. In fact, I believe this is the second one -- the first being a YST/Geobreeders crossover I did a while back.... ^-^;;

WARNINGS: I don't know. A little swearing, but that's it. If even that.
Usual disclaimers apply.

--//--
Fresh Meat
--//--

<Somewhere in the netherspace between anime dimensions....>

"C'mon, man, it can't be that bad."

"Try me."

"You get to spend all day with gorgeous women who--"

"Are trying to kill me."

"Not intentionally, though, right?"

A pause, and then a sigh. "I don't know. Sometimes it seems like Rando has it in for me."

"She's the brass-knuckles chick, right?" Duo eyed the space in front of him before raising his hand to make his move. "King me."

His companion frowned in annoyance as he complied. "Yeah, yeah, yeah...."

"So just quit already."

"God, you're not ahead by that much."

"I meant your job, idiot."

"Don't call me an idiot. Anyways, I've tried. It doesn't work."

"Yoichi...."

"You think I haven't tried to quit?? Kikushima refuses to accept it! She keeps on waving that damn rulebook in front of my face every time." Yoichi grimaced and absently grabed a handful of yellow, bean-shaped candies that were piled in a bowl on their playing table. "What are these again?"

"Pina colada Jelly Bellies. Phi gave them to me." Duo watched in fascination as his friend suddenly choked on the sweet mass he had been chewing and began to pound his chest.

When he had recovered, Yoichi drew a shaky breath and glanced around furtively, as if looking out for someone. "They aren't... cursed or poisoned or anything, are they? Last time Phi gave you something...."

Duo shrugged helplessly. "She promised she didn't mess with them." He paused momentarily, and added as an afterthought, "She was kind of muttering to herself about garage sales or something."

The other relaxed visibly. Those damn gingerbread men... haunt me forever....

A companionable silence stretched between the two, only broken by the faint clicks of the checker pieces against the board. Duo began to hum softly, lightly bouncing his head in synch with the melody, when an idea suddenly came to him. "Hey, have you tried calling in sick?"

Yoichi shook his head without removing his focus from the game in front of him. "Can't anymore. My apartment blew up, remember? I have to live in the company's basement now." He abruptly smiled in triumph and said, "King me!"

"Humph. Lucky break." Duo reluctantly put the extra piece on top of the one to be crowned. "Well then, why don't you try just skipping work? Get them to fire you."

"They find me. Everywhere I go, they find me. Even on my days off... my precious, beloved days off...." There was a definate quiver in Yoichi's voice. "They ruin everything...."

At this point, after having been the patient friend, Duo was beginning to get a little annoyed. Letting an exasperated note creep into his reply, he responded sharply, "Oi, Yoichi. You're overreacting way too much. It could be a lot worse, you know."

"Oh yeah?" Yoichi arched an eyebrow in incredulity.

"Yep," Duo's flippant reply grated against the other's already frayed nerves.

"Then, Duo," he leaned across the table, a glimmer of something that Duo couldn't quite place in his eyes, "prove me wrong."

This was beginning to sound suspicious. Duo looked at his friend in open mistrust. "How so?"

"Take my place tomorrow. Prove to me that my job at Kagura Security is perfectly safe and non-jepordizing to my health and mental sanity. Prove to me that I have nothing to worry about."

Duo leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "What's in it for me?"

Yoichi blinked. Apparently he hadn't thought that far. "Ummm... bragging rights?" It was the best he could come up with, on such short notice, and he prayed to whatever god was listening that Duo would raise to the bait.

The pause hung heavily in the air between them. Watching Duo's unreadable expression, he could feel the large beads of sweat forming on the back of his head. He was just about to give up hope when he head the other sigh gustily. "Deal."

"Great." Relief squeezed Yoichi's stomach tightly. Finally, a decent day off! Standing up, he reached out to pump Duo's hand in the western style. "It was nice knowing you, Duo. You've been a good friend."

--//--

It was staredown worthy of an old John Wayne western flick. And the participants would have agreed, had either of them ever seen one. Neither would relent -- it was the principle of the matter.

And if the pair could remember what the principle was, things would probably make sense. Maybe.

"I don't believe you."

"I don't lie."

"How would I know?"

"You're going to have to trust me!"

"How can I trust you if I don't believe you?"

"Because I don't lie!"

"Well, how would I know?!"

Duo kept from screaming in frustration. Just barely. "Look," he said through gritted teeth, "Yoichi was feeling kind of sick this morning, and he had to take a day off." It was the truth -- somewhat. Yoichi was certainly feeling mentally unwell.

"So he asked you to fill in for him."

He sighed. "Yes!" How many times would he had to go through this?

The woman he had been trying to explain the situation to for the last half-hour leaned back in her chair behind the desk and crossed her arms. "I don't believe you."

Duo had issues with hitting girls, but he was sorely tempted to ignore them. A brief fantasy of reaching out and wrapping his hands around her slim... frail... oh-so-apparently-breakable neck flashed through his mind, but he forced it out by sheer willpower. Before he could formulate a suitable reply, a rather shrill female voice cried out behind him.

"TABA-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

Duo whirled around, hand automatically grasping for the gun at his hip that wasn't there and eyes widening in surprise when he saw the rather petit, red-headed figure that bounded across the room towards the two of them. The girl wore an extremely short, dark blue miniskirt, coupled with a revealing skin-tight tube top and a pair of tall army boots. Her hair was twisted into a high pony-tail with a rather odd-looking printed piece of cloth that gave her the appearance of... rabbit... ears....

He blinked.

The redhead skidded to stop in front of him and proceeded to stare mutely up at Duo (she was, after all, a full two heads shorter than him). Breaking the short silence, she turned to the woman behind the desk and asked, "Eh? Eiko, who's this?"

Her arms still crossed, Eiko continued to glare at Duo and returned, "He's Taba's replacement for today, Prez."

"He...?" The girl raised both eyebrows and one hand to squeeze a... certain area on Duo's chest.

Flushing up to the roots of his hair, he hastily tried to swap the girl's hand away, protesting, "O-Oi! Don't go there!"

Her laugh had a tinge of embarrassment, but was a laugh nonetheless. "Oh, sorry about that, thought you were a girl." She stopped suddenly, and turned to Eiko with something that could only be called a pout on her lips. "What? Taba's not coming in today?"

"Apparently," Eiko replied with a shrug.

"The name's Duo Maxwell," he cut in, a little crossly. He had no idea that women could be this annoying. Wufei's attitude was starting to become understandable. "I'm a friend of Yoichi's."

"Oh." The girl studied him quietly for another moment, before perking up quite suddenly. "Okay! I'm Yuka Kikushima, the President of Kagura Security."

Duo had a hard time not gaping at that statement. She... was the President? She didn't look over twelve years old, at the most. This was the woman Yoichi was always complaining about?

The girl -- no, President Kikushima, he had to correct himself -- continued to talk blithely, completely ignoring his surprise. "So Taba-kun is sick? I hope he isn't dead. That wouldn't be very good for the company; he still owes us so much money from that time he had to hire us to get Maya back, you know.[1] You aren't allergic to cats, are you? Did he give you his seals? Do you--"

She was interrupted by the ringing phone, which Eiko immeadiately picked up. "Hello, Kagura Security. How may we service you? .... Mmm-hmm .... Yes, I see .... You are aware of the terms of the contract? .... Good, you'll need to sign it before we start working. I'll fax it over right away .... We try to minimize the damage as much as possible, sir. However, you will be financially responsible for any harm caused to property and personage .... Rest assured, sir, we have highly trained staff working for us .... Yes, thank you, we will start on your case right away. The bill will be sent once the Bake-Neko has been sealed." She set the phone down lightly, pushing herself up from behind the desk. "We have a job."

"Great! Where?" Duo watched the President bounce with barely contained excitement.

"It's in the sewers again."

Duo blinked. Again?

Kikushima, however, was unfazed. "All right. Where's Maki?"

"In the basement, cleaning her guns," Eiko replied absently as she slipped on two pairs of shiny brass knuckles over each set of fingers. She made a fist experimentally, admiring the gleam of metal in the light.

Duo had the sudden thought that she was going to kiss her knuckles, and started to back away slowly. Just take it nice and slow. They're not going to notice if there's no sudden movements. Easy now. Stay quiet. Stay quiet. Just a little further, and you'll be at the door. Just a--

He promptly proceeded to back straight into something warm and solid. "Oh sh--" He had been close... so very close.

"Yo," a cheerful voice came from behind him, and Duo turned slowly to find himself confronted with a pair of curious blue eyes. The woman grinned slightly, using the nozzle of her gun to push the brim of her white cowboy hat up and out of her face. "Who're you?"

"Uh... Duo Maxwell."

"You new?"

"Sort of...."

She had been looking him over throughout the short conversation, ending when she averted her gaze to the two ladies at the desk and said sweetly, "Hey, Prez, I like the new guy. Can I keep him?"

"WH-WHAT??" What the heck does she mean, "keep me"?!?

Kikushima seemed to pout slightly before sighing. "All right, but Taba's mine."

The cowboy-woman shrugged. "Deal."

"Hey now, wait just a minute here--"

"Come along, Maxwell-san," Kikushima started to lead him none-too-gently toward the door. "Did Taba-kun give you his crossbow?"

"Crossbow...?"

"No? I guess you'll have to use one of Maki-chan's guns this time."

(A faint "Hey!" of protest was heard from behind them.)

"What kind of company is this, anyway?" Really, now. Crossbows?

Kikushima looked at him in exasperation as she continued to drag Duo along. "Didn't Taba-kun tell you anything?"

He tried -- unsuccessfully -- to worm his arm out of her grasp, replying crossly, "He said something once about cats, but...." But we were drunk and I can't really trust anything that he says after three beers.

They were in the evelator by now. "Kagura Security is a company set up to trap and delete the Bake-Neko, so they can't do harm," the President said absently as she fiddled with the controls.

Bake-Neko... "Phantom Cats"? "Delete"? None of this was making any sense. "Okay, so what are the Bake-Neko after?"

Kikushima was silent for a long time, staring ahead with an intensity that rivaled Heero's, Duo thought. Quite suddenly, she looked up to him and smiled brightly, "Don't know!"

Duo suddenly found his legs wouldn't support his weight.

Before he could think of an even slightly suitable reply, the elevator stopped and the door slid open with a slight hiss. Kikushima, with an unbelievable amount of perkiness, whipped her index finger up, pointing to a van on the street that was visible through the building's glass doors. "To Mr. Field Van #2!"

Duo decided not to ask. Sometimes, life was easier that way.

The two women from the office were already in the van, the cowboy-woman chatting lightly with yet another woman in the driver's seat -- who was puffing on a cigarette like there was no tomorrow.

"Maxwell-san, this is Yu Himehagi. She's--"

"I'm the driver," Himehagi cut Kikushima off before she could finish. The Prez looked a little put out by the interruption, but otherwise let it slide.

"Right. And that's Eiko Rando," she pointed to the purple-haired woman who had given him such a hard time in the office upstairs, "and that's Maki Umezaki." Umezaki turned out to be the cowboy-woman.

Duo nodded to each in turn. "Hi."

"Okay, everyone, once we get there we'll split into groups," Kikushima tossed over her shoulder from the front passenger seat as the van started to move. "Eiko, you'll be with me. Maki, you take Maxwell-san -- and try to be careful with him, since it's his first day. Yu, you'll stay in the van and wait until we need you." Himehagi snorted, like she hadn't expected anything less. "Got it? Good -- and let's try to wrap this up as quickly as we can, all right?"

Umezaki looked up at that. "Is the contract under a time limit?"

"No," Kikushima shook her head. She brought up her wrist in order to flash her watch at them all and pointed to the face. "But it's almost time for lunch!"

"Ah."

Duo could feel a large sweatdrop forming on the back of his head. He guessed it was as good a reason as any, but still.... It was a little wierd to just come out and say it like that.

Maybe... maybe Yoichi had a point after all.

A sudden arm draped itself about his shoulders as Umezaki leaned in from the seat behind him. Her warm breath tickling his ear, she said in a sultry voice, "So it'll be just you and me, eh? Ready for a little fun?"

Damn. Today was just not his day for thinking up retorts.

--//--

Duo couldn't be thankful enough when the van came to a stop, bolting out of there as fast as humanly possible. He had to get away from Umezaki. That chick was nuts -- the whole ride, she had done nothing but talk endlessly about her guns, nothing but her guns. The only time she had paused from ranted about the glories of her Lugers and Colts was to ask him if he had ever handled one.

Had he ever handled a gun. Hah. That was the funniest thing he had heard all day.

But then she had proceeded to blow lightly on the back of his neck maddeningly, despite his numerous attempts to twist out of the way -- except there wasn't really anywhere to go in the van. Himehagi and Kikushima were in the front two seats, and Rando had nearly bit his head off when he tried to climb over her. (The back was completely out of the question, since he was trying to get away from Umezaki in the first place.) Only after whapping her several times with his braid had she relented... but then went straight back to her Lugers.

Needless to say, Duo wasn't exactly looking forward being her partner. Even working with Heero, Mr. I've-Got-A-Death-Wish-The-Size-Of-Jupiter-And-I-Don't-Care-Who-I-Take-Out-With-Me, was preferrable at this point.

"Hey, Maxwell!" He looked up to see Umezaki grinning at him, a faintly wild look gleaming in her blue eyes. "It's just you and me now!"

His shoulders slumped as he sighed the sigh of the long-suffering. "Won~derful."

They removed the manhole together and stood over the small hole silently for a time. Umezaki finally broke the silence by asking, "You going to go or what?"

"Me? You're the one who knows what she's doing!"

Her eyes suddenly grew overly large and watery as she cried, her voice quivering as she brought her fists to her mouth, "You're going to make a lady go first into the dark, scary sewer?"

Duo placed his hands on his hip in annoyance and retorted, "You're no lady!"

She was silent again as she seemed to consider his words. "Good point." Pausing a moment to readjust her hat slightly (Duo couldn't tell the difference, but hey -- what can you do?) and check the guns at her side, she crowed "Bonzai!!" and practically slid down the ladder leading into the heart of the sewer tunnel.

He stood there for a moment later, jaw agape, trying to decide whether it would be best to follow the lunatic or escape while he had the chance. A sudden thought stopped him, however, just as he was about to turn around and take off -- Himehagi was still in the van. And from the glare that she was giving him, he had no doubt that she would run him over if he tried to leave.

He sighed. Damn. It was a choice between something that a gun could stop and something that a gun couldn't.

Hellooooooooo, sewer.

"Down, down we go; where we'll stop, no one knows," Duo muttered unhappily to himself as he slowly made his way down the ladder. He hated the smell of sewage. And rats. Rats weren't fun. He'd had enough of those from his childhood to last a lifetime -- two, three lifetimes, even. "Shit!" On one of the rungs, a sudden slime appeared under his fingers, causing his grip to slide abruptly. Grimacing in distaste, he furiously wiped off his hand on the side of his pants before continuing down.

He would get Yoichi for this. Oh yes. He would.

Umezaki was waiting for him at the bottom, somewhat impatiently. "Jeez, what took you so long?"

Making a sour face, Duo replied, "Unlike some people, I prefer not to fraternize with garbage."

Umezaki just smiled in return. She was going to have fun with him.
"Well, where to now?" The sooner they were finished, Duo rationalized, the sooner he could get out of there and go back to his becoming-ever-more-appealing-by-the-moment life as a wanted terrorist with a big machine.

His partner shrugged. "Don't really know. I guess we just--"

A suspciously well-timed explosion cut her off in mid-sentence.

"--go that way," she finished, starting to sprint in the direction of the blast.

Duo just shook his head as he began to follow, priming his pistol as he went. Didn't these people have any sort of plan? At all? Quatre would kill himself of frustration if he had to work here. Hell, he was ready to kill himself from frustration, and he was the one who usually charged into the battles head first.

"Hey!" Umezaki shouted back over the splashes of the sewer water as they ran down the dark tunnel. "If you see a cat, shoot it!"

"What?" Duo yelled back, clearly surprised, hand automatically tightening around his borrowed gun. "I'm not going to shoot a freakin' cat!" They were innocent enough animals. Now, if it was a bear or a coyote or a rat or something -- that's a different story. But cats... those cute an' fluffy li'l felines....

Nuh-uh. No way. Not doing it.

She just smirked and kept running. He'd learn soon enough.

They came upon the scene of the explosion almost as if by accident; they had gone down myriad tunnels and turns and twists, guessing which way to go, until they saw a faint light that grew stronger and brighter with each step.

Light in a sewer? That can't be good, Duo thought unhappily.

He stopped short when he saw it -- the hole blown in the tunnel's ceiling that went clear to the surface world. "Jesus...." He saw another "it" as well. A cat, sitting contentedly on a pile of rubble.

Umezaki saw it at the same time.

"God, are you INSANE?!?" Duo gaped as she opened fire with both guns. "It's just a friggin' CAT!" She payed no heed, simply cotinuing to unload bullet after bullet at the feline. "UMEZAKI!"

"CALL ME RED SHOOTING STAR!!" She crowed back, eyes alight with an inner fire.

Oya...[**is this the right word to use here?**] I can't handle this anymore, Duo brought his hand to cover his eyes in a gesture of quiet suffering. Shinigami needs a break. However, a sudden crackling in the air and the halt of the guns caused him to peek through his fingers in morbid curiousity. Now what was going on?

He found himself wishing that he had kept his eyes closed as he saw the cat surrounded by an odd sort of static electricity that jumped from various parts of its body to another randomly. Watching in appalled fascination, Duo could feel the bile rising to his throat as the cat slowly elongated its limbs -- the effect made complete by the soft pops and cracks that filled the air -- and getting completely twisted about and around itself as it almost languidly took on the form of a human male...

... with some very large, very unpleasant-looking claws.

Umezaki risked a glance back at the new guy to see his reaction, a "Told you" firing from her lips. He was looking a little green, she noted with interest. Funny. She had never had that reaction to the Bake-Neko before. Perhaps he was allergic to cats after all?

Jeez, what had Taba been thinking when he sent this guy?

Duo was going to be sick. Violently. He can't believe he had just seen that... that cat get up and turn itself into a human. And doing it in the slowest amount of time possible, so he could see each and every joint bend at impossible angles and waggle around limply before forming a human limb. Disgusting.

"Hello, Kagura."

God. And it spoke, too.

"Have you come to delete me?" The cat-turned-human cocked his head to the side slightly in his questionning. He/It/Whatever almost looked like an innocent like that, except for the mocking smirk on his/its/whatever's face.

"Yo, Bake-Neko," Umezaki answered back cheerfully. "Ready to die?"

The smirk on the Bake-Neko's face grew wider. "Are you?" Without warning, a grenade was tossed in Duo and Umezaki's direction, both of whom immeadiately dove for cover among the rubble. Duo winced at the explosion and the debris that proceeded to pelt him mercilessly.
Great. Just great. It was going to take forever to get all the dust out of his hair. Yoichi was such a dead man.

"Damn!" Umezaki bit off the word viciously once the debris had settled enough to make sight once again possible. "It's heading above ground!"

Duo silently thanked the Bake-Neko -- even though he still felt sick to his stomach from watching that transformation -- for he could finally get out of that God-forsaken sewer. They started to scramble up the steep slope of the cave-in, Duo sometimes silently wincing in pain as a piece of skin got torn on the sharp edges.

Yoichi.

Must. Get. Yoichi.

"Give me your seals!" Umezaki yelled over to him as soon as they reached the top.

"What? What 'seals'??"

"The seals that Taba gave you!"

"He didn't give me any seals!"

"Well, what good are you then??"

"What's that supposed to mean?? I have a gun!"

"And I have two!"

"So??"

"So!!"

Duo's cheek started to twitch violently. He was really going to get Yoichi for this. Really. Just as soon as he got out of there. Really.

He took off. He didn't care anymore. Bragging rights were no longer an issue.

"Hey, Maxwell! Where do you think you're going?" Umezaki yelled at the retreating figure, his braid whipping wildly about on his back in his haste.

Duo didn't turn around. If he slowed at all, she might catch up to him. "To find a phone!!"

--//--

<Back in the aforementioned netherspace....>

The two of them were sitting at the beat-up card table in the middle of the ever-floating grey, silently picking up and depositing cards as they saw fit. A phone rang suddenly, breaking the peace with its shrill cry.

"Don't get it," the girl at the table instructed her companion, who had half-risen out of his seat at the noise.

He looked back at her, shrugged, and sat back down. It wasn't like he could see the phone, anyway.

The answering machine clicked on.

"Yoichi? Yoichi, you there, man? C'mon, I know you are." A brief pause, which was followed by some gunshots. And a few explosions. With various crashes thrown in for good measure. "Yoichi, I take back everything I ever said, I swear! Just get me out of here! I can't take much more of this -- the guns, those girls, those freaky-ass cats, man! Yoichi! Pick up the phone, dammit! YOICHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!"

The answering machine clicked off.

They continued to play in silence for some time, before Yoichi couldn't take it anymore. Setting down the cards in exasperation, he accused, "You're heartless, you know that?"

She couldn't stop the smug smirk that found its way to her lips.

"Well? Aren't you going to say anything!?"

Raising one eyebrow eloquently, she gave him a pointed look and returned, "At least I let you off," and she paused for effect, "this time."

His face promptly drained of all color, and he quickly brought his cards up to shield himself from her gaze. "Good point," he mumbled.

Once more they lasped into silence. Yoichi tried his best to not look across the table, but curiousity was winning out over prudence. He squirmed in his seat uncomfortably, his eyelids starting to twitch. He had to look. Had to. Sweat beads were starting to develop on his forehead. Had to.

"Oh God," he swore slightly when he saw the twisted smile on her face. Gulping nervously, he ventured to ask, "Now what?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing at all." He could hear the barely contained laughter in her voice. "Just thinking...."

"About...?" He prompted. He didn't really want to hear it, but a sort of morbid curiousity had him in its thrall.

"Our next candidate."

Again, the sick curiousity. "Who is...?"

The smile had turned distinctly feral.

"Wufei."

--//--

[1] -- This happened in the Geobreeders OAV "File-x: Get Back the Kitty"